My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
