It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
