Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
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