Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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