I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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