Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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