If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
