My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
