my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just pee around me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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