he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
