i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
