You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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