I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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