I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
