So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
