he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
