how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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