i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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