Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
