You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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