Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
