R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
