I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
