I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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