Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
