The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
