I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
