She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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