You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
