im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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