Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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