11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
