I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
