Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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