the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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