And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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