The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize