i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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