I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
