Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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