i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
