Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
