i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize