My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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