so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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