In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
