Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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