Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
