I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
