You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You made out with two different species that night
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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