Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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