Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
