The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
