This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
