Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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