Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
