Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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