A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
