i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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