I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
