Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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